A few days ago I was randomly scrolling through Facebook and came across a clip for an audition on America’s Got Talent. Something told me to click on it instead of scrolling by – okay fine, I admit the caption included the wording “made Simon Cowell cry”. I was intrigued, so I watched it. The young lady auditioning was Jane, and she was a singer who went by the name of Nightbirde when performing. Her voice was ethereal, and the song she sang was “It’s Ok.” Simon Cowell wasn’t the only one who was crying by the end. I was, too.

You see (spoiler alert), Jane was on her third battle with cancer, and at that point, she had it in her spine, liver, and lungs. The song was beautiful, but it was her spirit and energy that drew me in and inspired me. In the midst of her battles and health struggles, she said two very profound things that I have been meditating about over the past two days –
“I’m so much more than the bad things that happen to me.”

“You can’t wait until life’s not hard anymore before you decide to be happy.”

This thirty year old woman who was in the midst of terminal cancer said both of these things with bright eyes and a smile that lit up the stage. She genuinely meant them, and I felt them straight to the core of my being. It made me stop and take some inventory of my life – of the things I waited for or didn’t do because I was too afraid, of the things that I reluctantly did and likely missed out on the bigger picture because I was too hyper-focused on some minute detail, and listening to the wrong voices of others when they tried to bring me down and feel small. I thought about the dreams and other things that I gave up because I felt it to be my responsibility to make others happy before myself.

Second spoiler – shortly after Simon gave her the golden buzzer, Jane earned her real wings as she was called Home to sing with the holiest choir of angels. Before she passed away, she released music that was meant to uplift others and let them know and feel that they are not alone. Her words are simple and beautiful and honest.

How many times in our lives do we wait? Sure, sometimes it is necessary like when you wait for a green light to go or in a line at the supermarket. I’m talking about the deeper, more important things. I know one of the biggest things that I struggle with is allowing myself to truly feel what I need to feel during times of struggle. I typically focus on helping others through and waiting on allowing myself to feel until everyone else is tended to. And even then, I’m guilty of playing the “it could be worse” game where I invalidate my own thoughts and feelings because somebody, somewhere in the world has things so much tougher, harder, sadder, fill in the blank than I do. And really, that’s total crap. And also true. But just because someone else may have it harder than I do, it doesn’t make my feelings or thoughts less than or unimportant. I’m better than I used to be, but I am also still a work in progress.

After watching Jane/Nightbirde’s audition on AGT, I found myself checking out her Instagram and listening to some of her music. It resonates with my heart. Her song “Fly” is currently used for the trailer of the new movie “The King of Kings”. I also listened to the last video that she recorded before she died. Here is what she said:

“Just because you’re sad or grieving doesn’t mean that you’re not grateful, and it doesn’t mean you’re not hopeful. It doesn’t mean that you still aren’t fighting for your life, that you still don’t have it in you to keep going. But sadness and grief and mourning, and lamenting, and crying and screaming and being angry – these are ways that we honor what was lost. These are ways that we communicate it to the world. I heard a quote that says sadness is the soul’s way of saying, “This mattered.” And I think grieving and feeling through all the emotions that you feel, the sadness and the grief and the injustice and the anger and the loss and the bargaining — I think it’s holy work. And it’s scary to go down those dark roads, but you know what, like, those feelings don’t leave you. You got to get to feel it. You can’t fake the rest of your life like nothing bad happened to just sing and whistle a happy tune all day. It’s not what it is to be human. So everybody who might be getting a dose of this whole toxic positivity — just be happy, be happy, be happy — don’t do that. You don’t have to do that. And you don’t have to feel guilty for being sad. It’s something I’ve struggled with a lot. Because I used to believe that if I was sad, it meant that I wasn’t fighting hard enough or I was not grateful enough and that’s not true. Be sad and be grateful. And look at the twinkly lights and feel your feelings and it’s all real — the joy and the pain — is all real, and you don’t have to pick one or the other like, “It’s beautiful, or, life is garbage.” It’s kind of both sometimes. Love you guys. Thanks for listening to my Ted Talk from Bed Talk.”

How often do you wait? How often do you invalidate your own feelings or thoughts because somehow you internalized the message that they weren’t worthy of expression? They are. And you are. Be human and feel it – the good, the bad, and the ugly. We don’t know how much time we have, so say and do and feel the things now. Don’t wait. It’s ok.

For anybody who would like to watch the AGT audition, here is the link: https://youtu.be/CZJvBfoHDk0?si=pcvTEl1e8OVAa31J It is well worth the listen, this I promise you.